MEET ME IN THE MIRROR, I WILL SHOW YOU THE WAY
Hello. Can you see me? Are you really seeing me, or are you just looking at me?
I often catch myself in the mirror with a deer-caught-in-the-headlights kind of expression. I remind myself to look for my kind eyes, my loving eyes.
Apart from the lessons and techniques I learnt during the makeup course I took in 2019, the thing that surprised me the most and saddened me greatly, was the fact that almost everyone who sat in my makeup chair in front of the mirror had something negative, mean or degrading to say about themselves and/or their appearance. Many had a hard time just looking at their reflection.
So, it wasn’t just me.
At the time I was still very much at odds with myself, maintaining a costly facade with bulimia as my companion and coping mechanism, looking for yet another escape route whilst blaming my industry and violin for my frustrations and blocked creativity. Crippled by perfectionism, I was angry and terrified that this attempted career shift and “escape route” had brought me right back to myself. Literally. I stood there into the mirror with nowhere else to hide, forced to face my negative patterns and the highly judgemental self-talk that had been tormenting me for so long.
The thing is, no one told me that I had the power to alter the narrative, or if they had, I hadn’t been ready to listen. I didn’t yet know that, no matter how much self loathing, shame and disgust there had been, I could reprogram my inner chatter to be a voice that supported me fully. I didn't even know HOW to do it for it to eventually become true for me. I just kept following messages and people who had made the shift themselves. I kept affirming the new narrative, whilst learning to understand and forgive the old one for its destructive methods, and I made a commitment to keep on keeping on, no matter how many times it took.
The work continues. I am now 1 year and 8 months into recovery from my 23 battle with bulimia and living a life that I wouldn't swap for anyone’s. The conscious choice to reaffirm the new has to carry on if I want to live the life I want for myself. Just as the food we regularly put into our mouths affects our entire being, so do the thoughts and ideas we feed our minds. Best be picky.
Who am I listening to and what is the effect that the information is having on my being? Who am I following on social media and is the narrative I am choosing to ingest from them having the desired effect in my life? By whose brain food am I allowing myself to be and nourished or poisoned?
Right now, I’m on a UK tour of family members and still learning how important it is for me to prioritise my “me time”, every morning. It has become my non-negotiable: something I rely on myself to provide and safeguard. It’s taken time to establish a habit that has allowed me to build a trusting and loving relationship with myself. I require and desire my own attention before I get caught up in all of the doing and socialising, the noise of daily life and it’s busy-ness. I need to set my own compass. Where am I, and where do I want to go? Who am I in all of this, and how do I want to live? How do I want to show up in my relationships and how do I want to be in the context of family, friends or work colleagues?
During the unstructured and busy days of the holiday period it’s so easy to be swept away by expectations and rhythms that are not necessarily mine, that are not conducive to the kind of holiday I want to experience. In order to navigate the emotional waves presented by various situations and relationship dynamics, I need to plug into myself before I hit “go”.
WISH
My Christmas wish for you is that you will protect your energy, protect your peace. I trust that you will enjoy the holidays more from this place, and that those around you will also get to enjoy a more present and honest version of you too. I don't know about you, but I just prefer to be in spaces where the guard and the masks are down and we can just be…in all of our flawsome fabulousness.
I’m still feeding myself with the newer narrative, and there is no better opportunity than when I pass the mirror and catch myself with that startled look in my eyes. It's the perfect opportunity to feed me some self love and fill up my cup for the day. If “I love you, you splendid and remarkable creature” is a bit much and doesn't (yet) feel honest, how about trying something like: “Hey you, how are you doing? Do you have what you need? Is there anything I can get for you? Water, a nap, a call to a trusted friend, some fresh air? I know you’re trying your very best even if things aren’t perfect. It’s ok, you’ve got this.”
Tips, tricks and recommendations
Areas that might require extra TLC & attention during the holiday period:
Feelings of guilt for not managing to meet with or please everyone
Presence vs presents
Food and overeating: take regular breaks to check in with how you are feeling, find an accountability buddy or app to help support eg. recovery record
Social overload: take time out to check in with yourself, even a few minutes in a quiet room to decompress can work wonders
Mentally prepare for more challenging conversations: visualise setting boundaries and the feelings that might come with asserting them so you are better equipped to protect your needs when the moment comes.
Have a go-to soothing and grounding practice for SOS situations, it can be as simple as “take ONE deep breath and focus your gaze on one object. Now take another.”
